What to do when your child doesn’t want to visit a parent
If you’re like every other parent on the planet, you will have to deal with times when your child prefers to be with one parent over the other. Even parents who are together raising their children are confronted with this issue. Maybe you have a teen that doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s home for their parenting time and it seems like only yesterday, when that teen was a toddler, that he didn’t want anything to do with you. Maybe you have a toddler who only wants to be around Dad. Maybe your pre-adolescent likes to be around Mom more, because Mom says, “yes” more. These situations are very common, and they happen to every parent, single or not.
But when it happens to parents who are not living together, this situation can create more obstacles. The reasons for why your child doesn’t want to go to the other home may vary. It’s not easy to pack up school supplies, clothes, retainers, medicines, special toys and blankets, phone and electronics, chargers, etc. Maybe one home is closer to friends and school. Perhaps one home has more rules, responsibilities and contributions to the family. Or one home may have a nicer bedroom, yard, TV, microwave, pets, or you name it. Sometimes kids just get worn out, like we adults do.
These situations can be highly stressful for both parents and other family members. The non-custodial parent can be hurt, which can cause anger and doubt about what may be happening on the custodial parent’s end. The custodial parent is also in a tough position, as they may not be sure what is causing their child to not want to be with the other parent, and they may not want to feel like they are forcing their child to do something that the child doesn’t want to do. No one wants to be “the bad guy.”
So, what do you do when your child refuses to spend time with the other parent?
The main things to consider when a child doesn’t want to visit the other parent are:
- If you believe the reason may be safety related, then notify your attorney immediately. An attorney knows the proper paperwork, procedures and avenues to address the issue in the best possible way.
- Communicate with the other parent immediately and do it in a healthy way from a point of maturity and empathy. Successful co-parenting is in the best interest of your child. If you are not at that place with the other parent, then seek the help of an attorney, mediator, counselor or some other professional. There are also a variety of co-parenting classes and counselors available to assist you in learning to co-parent effectively.
- If your child is safe and misses out on scheduled visitations, this could put your family in a tough legal position because under Colorado law, you have a duty to make sure your child is following the parenting plan. If the other parent suspects you are not doing all you can to encourage the child to follow the parenting plan, they may file with the Court to enforce the court orders.
- Talk to your child about why he or she does not want to go, with the intent to get to the bottom of their feelings. Do so with love, empathy, caring and making them feel like what they say and feel are important.
- In Colorado, your child does not get to choose parenting time. The parents do. Again, parenting time is NOT up to the child and it is the custodial parent’s responsibility to not only encourage the parenting schedule, but to make sure that the child knows it is not optional. The parents are in charge.
- During transition times, make it as smooth as possible. Have everything packed and ready to go whether it’s your child’s responsibility to be ready, yours, or a combination. Be positive and upbeat about it. Manage any stress in a positive and appropriate manner.
- Teenagers can provide special challenges when it comes to a parenting plan, especially as they begin questioning authority, going through emotions and have a driver’s license. With teens, it is imperative that you do your best in communicating with the other parent. Keep in mind that studies show that children who have both parents involved as equally as possible in the child’s life fare better than those who don’t so it’s very important to encourage your child to go. Parents need to maintain their roles as parents and enforce the agreed upon plan.
- Be open to outside counseling. Often, as parents, we need help and that’s okay. It’s difficult enough to be a parent in a two-parent household let alone being a single parent, especially if there is any kind of conflict with your child’s other parent. It’s okay to ask for help. What may work for some, might not work in your situation.
If you are struggling with your child and/or the other parent in adhering to the parenting plan, consult with an attorney to understand all the options you have and to become familiar with what help may be available to you, as it is your responsibility to ensure your child knows that the parenting schedule is not optional.